


Tough Decisions and Difficult Words

by mansikka



Series: Filling In The Gaps [29]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Episode Tag, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-01
Updated: 2018-08-01
Packaged: 2019-06-18 03:27:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,565
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15476652
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mansikka/pseuds/mansikka
Summary: Filler-y stuff for Awake, Arise, or be Forever Fallen





	1. Alec

**Author's Note:**

> Alright, well this was the exact hell to write I thought it would be. Please remember this is a _Malec_ series; I know there is all sorts of other chaos going on for them both, but my focus on this is _them_ more than anything else.

The second he snaps that they have more important things to think about than _Max_ taking himself off somewhere in his latest attempt to prove himself, Alec knows it's going to take strength he's not sure he has to get through this day without showing how much he is breaking.

Magnus hasn't answered a single one of his messages nor returned any of his calls. His voice has got more desperate for each voicemail he's left, the greeting that's always made him smile and lean into the phone to hear Magnus' voice nothing but taunting him these long few hours since Magnus stormed out of the Institute.

He hasn't slept, and hasn't eaten. Alec thinks there is half a cup of cold coffee sat on the corner of his desk that he got some time earlier this morning. But though his stomach feels hollow and his mouth is dry, Alec doesn't think he could take even a mouthful of something without bringing it straight back up.

Alec barks out his instructions, trying to keep the fury he feels for this situation with Valentine separate from his despair at what is happening between him and Magnus. But the thought of Magnus being so furious with him presses straight back in even when he pleads with himself for a moment of reprieve.

He can't even bring himself to move, Alec thinks, bracing against the ops center table when the others leave him, bargaining with himself for just one step at a time. He has things to do, calls to make, people to speak to here. So many _things_ that might make up the sum of a whole that will bring this situation with Valentine to a close so he can concentrate on the mess of things he's made with Magnus.

"Is everything okay?"

Of course Izzy has seen right through him, Alec thinks with a groan he can't even tell if is out loud or internal. Jace has kept a respectful distance clearly sensing his distress and not knowing what to say or do to comfort him, doing what he does best to help, by staying focused on the mission at hand. But Izzy, Alec knows, will not back down, not even if he could summon that mask over his face he's used to hide behind for so many things in his life. Though nothing that has hurt as much as  _this_.

Alec can barely lift his head to look at her, never mind form an answer, so he waits for her to keep talking, wonders what words might eventually come tumbling out.

"You told Magnus about the Soul Sword, didn't you?" she asks, and Alec's stomach drops.

No, Alec thinks, hating himself, he didn't even work up the courage to do that. He let Magnus find out for himself, find out from people other than him, and it…

"Wow. That bad?"

Alec turns to look at Izzy then, desperately wishes he could just _lean_  on her for a moment. But he's brought this on himself. He should have been open with him, been _honest_ with Magnus. Alec squeezes his eyes shut, though Magnus is waiting for him there as well, with the pained expression he'd worn when he'd admitted he'd known about the Soul Sword. Magnus trusted him, trusted _in_ him, opened up to him when he hasn't done to anyone else in decades. And Alec has let him down by not sharing this with him, when it's his life at stake, and the lives of his people, and…

Again Alec's thoughts trail away unfinished, and Izzy's hand becomes a heavy weight pressing on his shoulder that he both wants to shrug off, and turn in to for reassurance.

"Do you want to—"

"We have work to do," Alec says, avoiding the inevitable offer of her _listening_ as he pulls away. He tries to inject a little honesty into his smile, but leaves before Izzy can see it cracking.

* * *

Max looks tiny, and broken on the infirmary bed, a thick white dressing across his head with blood dried and encrusted under his nose. Alec feels sick. He should have _listened_ to Izzy's concern earlier instead of dismissing it the way he had done. If they'd have gotten to him earlier, maybe Max wouldn't be in this condition now.

As always happens when he needs a voice to calm him, Alec unthinkingly reaches for his phone. He's dialing Magnus' number before the reason why Magnus probably won't answer comes back to him, and it's enough to almost bring Alec to his knees. It's too much, the past few days with everything that's been happening are a whirlwind threatening to engulf him, and Alec doesn't know how much longer he can hold on.

Alec charges through the Institute to his office for just a moment of solace, berating himself for even a second of self-pity, and tries Magnus' number again. Maybe if he rehearses his words, gets out quick enough that it's for Max that he needs him, not for _him_ —though he _does_ need him, desperately—then Magnus will at least hear him out.

He doesn't know how many messages he's sent and left, how many times he's tried his phone, but Magnus doesn't seem to want anything to do with him. Alec refuses to let any tears fall for his frustration at this entire mess, grits his teeth, and tries Magnus' number again with no luck. He allows himself one more moment of despair, then turns his fear back to what is happening with Max.

 _Dammit, Max_.

Alec doesn't mean it even though he thinks it, but Max's desperate need to prove he is ready for fieldwork seems to have been the very thing to lead him to that infirmary bed. Alec storms back out of his office and calls out more instructions, pleased there is at least something for him to focus on for now. Jonathan is in the Institute. There is no way he's letting him out of it alive.

And though he knows Max's chances are slim, and knows that Brother Enoch is on the way, has been told that warlock magic won't do anything, the only person he wants to reach out to for help—and to lean on—is Magnus.

It's selfish, probably the most selfish thing he's done so far, but Alec finds himself making his way to Magnus' apartment the second his orders are in place for tracking Jonathan and guarding the Mortal Mirror.

Outside Magnus' apartment, Alec is once again struck by the divide between them, when he had just begun to once again get used to walking in uninvited. He raises his hand to knock on the door, and feels like Magnus might as well be on the other side of the world for how far apart they are currently.

"Magnus," he calls out, straining to hear him inside the apartment.

Alec pleads with Magnus to be home and to open the door, or to be _something_ like the support he's shown Alec in all the time he's known him, even if he knows he doesn't really deserve that support. Alec has rehearsed so many things to say on the way over, but when it comes down to it, he has to remind himself the only way not to earn the door slammed in his face, is to mention Max immediately while he has the chance.

Alec aches when Magnus opens the door to him, unable to stop himself _looking_. He almost wants to take this moment to memorize him, feeling like the way things are between them he might never see him again.

"I know I have no right to ask for favors," he says, trying not to let his voice catch, "but I need you."

 _I need you_ , Alec repeats to himself, not trusting what Magnus' reaction might be if he says it again out loud.

Magnus seems to have no such trouble, Alec thinks, not showing any altering in his expression. He even goes to close the door on him as though he's completely unaffected by his distress.

"It's Max," Alec adds, shoving against the door so Magnus can't shut it.

Magnus stares back at him, and there is a flicker of interest before it disappears again.

"What happened?" Magnus asks. Alec hears suspicion in his voice.

"Jonathan. He's in the Institute."

"Right now?" Magnus says, his voice rising in what Alec thinks is anger.

"He's looking for the Mortal Mirror," Alec adds, his eyes flitting over Magnus' face. It's stupid how much he's missed him in such a short space of time, but he just can't stop  _looking_ at him.

"Does he have it?" Magnus asks, his words clipped and precise as though this is nothing more than a business transaction.

"Not yet."

"Then. I'm sure it's only a matter of time," Magnus retorts, glowering at him.

He has every right to make snide remarks about the Clave's inability to do its duty and protect the Mortal Instruments, Alec knows he does, but now isn't the time to acknowledge it.

"Magnus—"

"What does this have to do with Max?"

"We think he was trying to track him. Track Jonathan. He… Magnus, it's bad," Alec adds, and this time he can't help his voice breaking. "They don't know… they don't even think… I don't—"

"Let's get to the Institute," Magnus says, cutting Alec off before he really gets himself in a state.

Alec can't know if it was a deliberate attempt to calm him, or just to get this over and done with as soon as he can. But Magnus opens them a portal right there in the hallway pulling the apartment door closed behind him, shutting Alec out in every way he can. Then keeping himself as far from Alec as it's possible to be when they step through the portal together.

* * *

Alec's stomach is in knots. He sits beside his mom as Izzy paces, pleading with Max to get better, and Magnus to have some way to help. When the infirmary door swings open and Magnus steps outside with a grim expression on his face Alec leaps to his feet, his heart already pounding, ready to refuse his words.

"His injuries are too severe," Magnus says softly. "Max's only hope for recovery now lies with Brother Enoch."

"But there's gotta be something," Alec protests as Magnus glances towards Brother Enoch before back at him. "Anything."

Magnus can fix anything. Heal anyone, Alec thinks desperately. How severe must these injuries be if he can't save Max? He already knows the answer to that, Alec tells himself, but it's  _Max_ , and he—

"Brother Enoch."

His mother's voice is commanding even with it wavering, yet as Brother Enoch begins to turn towards the infirmary door, panic sends Alec rushing towards him to block his path, not wanting this to be Max's only hope.

"No."

"Alec," Maryse says as she comes to stand in front of him and grips him tight. "I know you're scared. We all are. But if Max is going to have any chance, we need to let Brother Enoch do this. Now."

Alec wants to scream, to hit something, to do anything at all. He can't do a thing but watch as the infirmary door closes, staring at it already imagining the agony Max might go through with the Silent Brother's procedures to try to bring him back.

Magnus comes to stand before him. And though they haven't spoken properly since Magnus stormed out of the Institute, he picks up Alec's hand to squeeze and caress between his own. Alec watches his face, wants to know what he's thinking, though doesn't know how to ask for whatever is going on behind them in the infirmary.

But there is too much at stake here. His desire to be selfish and think only of he and Magnus has to be pushed away, he has to focus only on what is happening with Max, and with Jonathan. It doesn't matter what he wants right now, he can't have it. So Alec slips his fingers from Magnus' grip, gently tapping his arm. He means the gesture to say _we'll deal with this later_ , because right now he needs to be with his family, he needs to be part of what is holding them together, even if he feels like he's shattering apart.

Alec sits down next to his father, resting his hand on his back for a moment. He glances to the chair to his side, wondering if Magnus will follow. When he doesn't, just takes a further pace away and leans back against the wall, Alec is comforted that Magnus is staying, yet doesn't know how to find the words asking him to come back to him.

* * *

They've gravitated towards one another, Alec unable to bear being so close to Magnus yet still so far away. But they're still leaning on opposite walls outside the infirmary room, arms folded across their chests like they're shielding themselves from one another, staring as though there are a thousand things they want to say.

There are, Alec thinks, there are so many things he needs to tell Magnus, so many words of apology along with confirmation of how much he loves him, how much he regrets hurting him, and how much he wishes he could go back. But he can't.

Jace comes charging around the corner breaking Alec's concentration from planning those apologies while still pleading with Max to recover, and trying to work out what to do with Jonathan and Valentine at the same time.

"Where is he? What happened?" Jace demands.

Alec unfolds his arms taking an instinctive glance at Magnus.

"What are you talking about?"

Jace looks between the two of them in confusion. "Max. I… I got your text."

Alec looks at Magnus again, watching him push away from the wall. "What text?"

"Jonathan," Jace seethes, looking incensed. "Sound the alarm."

" _Son of a bitch_."

Alec charges after Jace, fury rising in his gut that Jonathan is this close to them and eluding them still. They hear a shattering of glass and round the corner to find Clary breathing hard on the floor.

"Clary," he calls out, even as he reaches for her. "Go after him," he adds to the Shadowhunters standing nearest to him, seeing the door open and the outline of someone running away.

Together he and Jace pull Clary to her feet, and together they watch as the Mortal Mirror disintegrates in front of them in her palm. It's one problem off their list even if Alec isn't sure it's really a solution, but there are so many more they still have to face.

They make it back to the infirmary, and Alec walks in to find Max's bed surrounded, his mother looking relieved as she brushes back Max's hair.

"How'd it go?" he asks as he comes to stand beside Magnus. "Is he okay?"

"He's okay, Alec," Izzy says with a relieved sigh of her own.

Magnus is already turning away, as though he's separate from them, but Alec can't think about that right now.

"Did you catch Sebastian?" Max asks, his voice still far weaker than Alec has ever heard it.

"You almost died, and that's what you're concerned about?" Maryse says with incredulous laughter.

Alec silently makes Max all the promises he thinks he can make his little brother as he stands there staring at him in relief. Everyone he cares about is currently safe, and alive, and Alec allows himself those few seconds to feel relief for it.

"I should go," Magnus says, calling their attention, shattering Alec's peace once again. "Max, you take care of yourself."

Alec leans against the bed as he looks at him, feeling like he's being pulled in so many directions at once. But he doesn't move, not as he looks Magnus over, and not as Magnus offers up a small smile of goodbye. Alec watches him leave and turns back to the bed slipping behind the mask he's worn so long to hide what he's feeling, it's like a second skin. When inside he's calling out pleading with Magnus not to leave, to stay and talk with him, even if they have no time to talk.

Izzy is having none of it. The look she gives him has Alec closing his eyes and nodding in defeat, holding still for another moment in a failed attempt to compose himself, before he's charging out the room after Magnus with a hard sigh. He's relieved that Magnus hasn't got too far, only having to walk a few paces to catch up with him.

"Magnus," he says, resting his hand briefly on his back as he moves to stand in front of him. "Thank you, so much for being here."

Magnus' soft smile that feels automatic morphs into something sterner as he nods and looks back at him. Alec aches for a return of that smile but doesn't know what it will take.

"I'm glad Max is okay," Magnus says, formal with Alec in a way he never has been with him.

They're only stood a foot apart, yet it feels like there are miles between them that Alec can't get his words across. But it only last seconds, because Magnus is then sucking in a breath and turning from him without another word.

"I'm sorry," Alec blurts out, freezing Magnus where he's stood. "I should've told you about the Soul Sword."

Magnus looks almost over his shoulder at him as though not wanting to hear him, before reluctantly turning back around.

"I made a mistake," Alec adds, silently pleading with Magnus to hear him as he walks towards him, then reaches out and takes his hand. "But you and me… we always seem to find our way back to each other."

Magnus stares at him, and Alec tells himself it's full of the longing he's feeling himself. He has to find a way to get through to him, tries to take comfort in the fact Magnus hasn't flinched away from his touch.

"Magnus, I _love_ you," he adds, hearing the pleading tone of his voice and not caring for a second who hears it, not even if the whole Institute is standing around them to watch.

Magnus smiles, but it's a small, apologetic one, and it begins to churn up panic in Alec's gut.

"I love you, too," Magnus says, reaching out to cup Alec's face. Alec leans into it and closes his eyes for a moment, pretends it's for another reason at another time. Then snaps them open again to look at Magnus, desperate to know his thoughts.

His heart starts to race as Magnus lets out a soft laugh and sighs, his eyes bright as though he might be about to shed the same tears Alec can feel threatening to fall from his own.

"But as a leader," Magnus adds, dropping his hand from Alec's cheek, "there are difficult decisions I have to make to ensure the survival of my people. And the only thing holding me back from doing that, is you."

Alec's heart races in protest, his stomach turning over and over, not wanting to believe what Magnus is telling him.

"No, no..." he tries to say.

"I can't have both," Magnus tells him, and again Alec has to argue against it.

"Yes, you can," Alec says, even as Magnus shakes his head and looks away from him. " _We_ can. We…"

Magnus isn't hearing him, Alec realizes, panicking, and steps closer to him again. "Magnus, we can figure this out."

"You once asked me what I was afraid of," Magnus says, eventually looking back at him. Alec is terrified to see a wall already going up over his expression. "It's _this_."

Magnus sighs again, turning on his heel and walking away from Alec. Alec watches him walk towards the elevator, flare his hands to open the doors, begs his feet to follow, but feels too numb to move. He watches Magnus turn to look at him, watches the doors close, and allows a single sob to fall from his mouth. There are tears to come, and he backhands the few that dare to escape, demanding to himself that he gets it together. That he concentrates on Max, and Jonathan, and Valentine, and all the other disasters in his world besides this one. There isn't the time to be thinking of all he's had, and all he's lost right now.

But his heart is broken. Alec can't move, can't think, can't imagine his life without Magnus in it. And as Alec forces himself to return to the infirmary, he doesn't think he will ever feel whole again.

* * *

Max is recovering in his bed. They've identified Jonathan, and at least have a way to begin to track him down. Alec knows this is the path they must take and that it might lead to Valentine, which is ultimately the situation they need to bring to an end for this all to stop. It should be a good thing. But Alec is numb to it, numb to everything around him. And though he's had years of experience of working on auto-pilot, of slipping into his role of a soldier and shutting anything else he's feeling out, Alec feels like he's lost his ability to do any of the things that come instinctively to him. He can't seem to unfold his arms from where they're wrapped around his middle, feeling like if he lets go, this hurt he's holding on to will come tumbling out, and they'll all see what a failure he is, how lost he is now.

Alec can comfort Izzy, apportion the blame to all that has happened with Jonathan to them all here in this room, but for what feels like the first time in his life, Alec's having difficulty not letting his personal problems seep back in to his thoughts. He can barely make out what any of the others are saying, only belatedly noticing Clary has moved away from them and is across the room standing in front of a painting of Lake Lyn.

But her words bring him back. If Lake Lyn really is the Mortal Mirror, then they have one Instrument left that they have to stop Valentine from getting to. Alec yells at himself to focus, tries to push Magnus into the corner of his mind, and sends Izzy, Jace, and Clary to track Jonathan down at Sebastian's apartment.

 


	2. Magnus

"So the Clave lied and Valentine has the sword. Is anyone surprised?"

Of course the Seelie Queen is gloating, Magnus thinks, long past regretting his decision to come here to the Seelie Court again. Even if it's necessary to take the safety of the Downworld into their own hands because of the failure of the Clave.

"Milady," he says. "We agree that it's time to take charge of our destiny. We've come to accept your offer to unite the Downworld to hunt Valentine."

"Good. But we do it our way. No more playing by the Clave's rules."

Magnus can feel Luke stiffen by his side.

"With all due respect, Your Highness, we didn't come here to start a war with the Shadowhunters," Luke says, the guarded tone in his voice speaking of all the mistrust he feels.

"The Shadowhunters want us dead," she retorts. "You think it's an accident they lost Valentine?"

It _was_ an accident, Magnus thinks, he was there when it happened, with Alec's hand hovering in reassurance at his lower back. He would have known if there was anything going on underhand. Then thinks of Alec's deception, and asks himself again if he knows that to be true.

"I don't trust the Clave, but I trust Clary," Luke replies. "She told me that she and Jace recovered the Mortal Mirror to protect the Downworld from Valentine."

Did they, Magnus thinks, not knowing that at all. What else has he been left in the dark about?

"Your love for the Shadowhunters weakens you. That's why your pack has lost so many wolves."

The Seelie Queen, as ever, gets straight to the heart of where it hurts most, Magnus thinks, waiting for her to turn that astuteness on him.

"My pack's losses are because of Valentine," Luke retorts, his tone increasingly curt.

The Seelie Queen just smiles at him, then turns to look at Magnus.

"After the lies your boyfriend told you, surely you're on my side?"

Magnus does his best to disguise the flinch her words inflict on him. He can't answer her, it's such a loaded question, and if he answers at all who knows what he will be walking into? What he'll be promising for the people he's trying to protect, that might be worse than no protection at all? He has to _think_ first, but it feels like everything is rushing at him at once. He should have waited before calling this meeting, Magnus thinks yet again, though is distracted by Luke turning towards him with continued mistrustful looks towards the Queen.

"Magnus, we came here to stop Valentine, not make new enemies by breaking the Accords."

He goes to speak, even if he's not sure what he wants to say, but _she_ gets in there first.

"Don't let your crush get in the way of protecting your people."

Again she strikes at him where it hits the hardest, and Magnus is ashamed of himself. He should never have let himself into this situation. He should have cooled off first, listened to Luke, taken a moment to think, and paused. But it's too late now, there is no way to easily back away from this, and it isn't just his life in the balance.

He has to protect his people, it is as simple as that. He is their leader, he is responsible for their safety. He can't prioritize anything else in front of that.

Alexander isn't a  _crush_ he adds to himself as he looks back at her, hoping she doesn't have the ability to read his thoughts.

"I beg your patience, Your Grace. But breaking our allegiance to the Shadowhunters is a step that requires consideration."

Magnus knows he's stalling for time and in doing so playing a dangerous game. But if he could just have some time to _think_ —

"Decide quickly," she says, turning away and plucking a single rosebud from behind her, slotting it into his jacket pocket. "Once all the petals on this rose turn black… your time is up. And remember. Those who don't come to my side, _will_ be on the losing side."

It isn't even a concealed threat, Magnus thinks, smiling weakly for it and desperate to be anywhere but here.

"Milady."

Magnus turns away, can still feel Luke bristling beside him as they leave, but silences him with a look that begs him to wait until they are far away from here.

"Magnus—"

"Lucien," Magnus says, cutting him off, "I need time. I don't _have_ much time—"

"This isn't the answer," Luke says, raising his voice and pointing the way they just came from. "Magnus, you know it isn't."

"I… know that the Clave is yet to come up with a suitable solution," Magnus replies, carefully choosing his words, aware there will still be voices listening to them until they are away from the Court. "The interests of the Downworld should be at the forefront of our minds ahead of any _alliance_ with anyone. That includes the Shadowhunters."

"You don't mean to tell me you're seriously considering agreeing to this crap?" Luke asks, his tone pitching ever higher in incredulity. "Magnus. Alec didn't—"

"This is nothing to do with Al—this is nothing to do with _him_ ," Magnus says, telling his heart it is not pounding even for thinking his name. Telling himself he isn't  _lying_ , either, that his personal hurt is not playing any part in this decision.

"Magnus—"

"I need some time, Luke," Magnus repeats, opening a portal and stepping through into his apartment before he has to hear another word, guilt for leaving Luke to find his own way home only flashing in him for an instant before Alec and the weight of everything else invades his thoughts.

* * *

It is an agony Magnus didn't know he could endure, repeatedly seeing Alec's name flash up on his phone and ignoring it every time when instinct tells him to answer, and lean into his voice. But he can't talk to Alec now, he can't have his thoughts clouded by personal issues. He has to think of the warlocks under his protection, and the Downworld as a whole. Speaking to a _Shadowhunter_ , who doesn't seem to value their lives, is not going to help with that.

It's not true, Magnus chides himself even as he tosses his phone to the side, Alec _does_ care about the Downworld. His decision to not tell him about the Soul Sword is thoughtless, but that doesn't mean Alec isn't doing his best to do what's right for the Downworlders he too is trying to protect.

Alec is so different now than the prickly, scowling Shadowhunter that Magnus had once known him to be, he thinks, with a pained smile. The problem is that he was rarely all that _prickly_ with _him_. In the beginning, at least when they were alone, or there weren't duties to perform for other people, Alec always seemed to have at least a cautious smile for Magnus. Though, Magnus thinks with another wistful grimace of memory, that is not true at all. The rosebud in his fingers makes him think of similar flowers, and takes his mind back to the very first morning Alec had woken on his couch...

_"Cream or sugar?"_

_What are you doing, Magnus demands of himself as he watches Alec blink himself awake and look startled at his surroundings. The moment Alec looks up Magnus pretends to be looking at the flowers on the table to their side._

_"Did I fall asleep?" Alec croaks, looking dazed._

_"We both did," Magnus replies, sitting beside Alec easier than he feels._

_He's right to put on a neutral expression for the way Alec instantly jumps from the couch as though his presence burns him. When they'd spent so much of their evening happily sat together, getting to know one another better, Magnus tells himself Alec's sudden coldness doesn't hurt._

_"On separate couches," he adds, pretending he doesn't care that Alec seems so desperate to get away from him. "Never fear."_

_"I should never have taken you up on your offer for drinks," Alec snaps as he picks up his jacket, moving slowly and wincing at the light streaming in from outside._

_This must be Alec's first hangover, Magnus thinks, with more wistful thoughts of all the other firsts he'd like to give him. But he can't let Alec see how much he wants that when it isn't his to have._

_"In hindsight, liquor might have been a bad idea after being drained of all my magic to heal your friend Luke," Magnus replies, standing back up himself, and itching to reach out when Alec shrugs into his jacket wincing._

_"Not my friend," Alec retorts. "He's Clary Fairchild's. I've only known her for five days and she's already more trouble than she's worth."_

_There is sternness in his tone, but Magnus knows at the heart of Alec is a good person who would probably help anyone, even if it was detrimental to himself. And, he thinks, with a little more amusement, Alec is a terrible bluffer, certain of it for the way he keeps catching Alec really looking at him._

_"You're more than just a pretty face, aren't you?" Magnus says before he can stop the words coming out._

_"What is that supposed to mean?" Alec retorts, and oh, Magnus thinks helplessly, he even likes the way he scowls. This is a disaster._

_"You shared your strength with me to help your friend. It's rare to find a Shadowhunters with such a… open heart."_

_Alec stares back at him, looking hard once again. He licks his lips, which Magnus tries not to pay attention to, and lets his eyes fall to Magnus' open shirt._

_"I trust you," Alec says, pointing at him, "I don't know why, but I do."_

_Magnus is truthfully lost for words. Though he is very much enjoying being on the receiving end of all this looking, and surprising honesty._

_"What time is it?" Alec asks then. "I have to get back to the Institute."_

_"Stay for breakfast," Magnus blurts out before he can stop himself. "I conjure up a mean Belgian waffle."_

_"No," Alec bites back at him. Magnus tries to keep the smile on his face from slipping. "And if you let anyone know that I slept here last night..."_

_"Relax," Magnus replies, slowly beginning to rebuild a wall he never invited to fall down. "My reputation's on the line just as much as yours. I'd lose all credibility if my people found out that I let a Shadowhunter spend the night."_

_"Then, why'd you let me sleep here?" Alec asks, still looking him over, and still full of that grudging trust._

_Magnus doesn't know how to answer. Or rather, he does, but his truthful words spell trouble for them both, and he needs a lot of coffee in his system before he can even think them to himself._

_"Trust makes you do strange things," he says instead._

_Alec continues to look at him uncertainly._

_"Must be something in the air," Magnus adds with a careless wave of his hand._

_Alec gives him a half-smile. Magnus gets the impression that Alec is fighting with himself, that he's torn between staying, and charging away without another word. And then he's leaving, turning on his heel and all but running from the apartment as though he doesn't trust himself to stay a moment longer._

_Magnus tells himself he doesn't care, prepares the coffee he's made as though he has some other company, and sips both cups in quick succession, pleading with himself not to feel what he thinks he is beginning to feel..._

It snaps Magnus back to the present, that idea that he didn't want to let himself fall for Alec. That he'd fought it as much as he'd leaned into it in the beginning, and hasn't ever been able to hold back since.

And look where that's got you, he goads himself, his eyes falling on the rosebud in his hands and his heart giving a protesting thud for realizing the petals are already changing color.

He needs to make his mind up, and he needs to do it quickly. And he needs to keep Alec far from his thoughts in order to do that. Magnus stares at the rose in his hand willing a solution to this mess to present itself, when he can't currently see any that won't end in disaster.

* * *

Today is the day for memories, for thinking and overthinking, for reliving moments both good and bad. And as Magnus stares out the window clutching tight to the omamori Alec gave him that is never further away than a pocket, Magnus' mind takes him back to a memory he has been trying hard to avoid...

_They tumble together through his bedroom door with Alec fumbling behind him to close it, heads pressed together as they laugh, trying to take each other's clothes off even as they try to kiss. When Alec is free of his boots and shirt Magnus cradles his head and spins them, all but throwing Alec back on the bed. He lands on top of him, and Alec's smile is as triumphant as Magnus' currently feels._

_"That was graceful," he teases as they stare at each other, though it seems Alec is impatient to do more than just look._

_"Shadowhunter," he retorts, but then is grabbing Magnus and pulling him to him, kissing him as he once again tries to work off his shirt._

_Magnus crawls between his legs savoring the feel of Alec beneath him, raising his hand to cup the back of his head. He's held back on this happening between them out of fear of what it will feel like to lose him when he's so far gone on Alec already. Yet laid here with Alec now makes Magnus think how impossible it is that they've waited even this length of time._

_But then he feels it, a slipping, a losing of power, and suddenly he's scared that revealing himself to Alec might be the thing to drive him away. He pulls back sharply, tugging down his shirt as he turns from Alec to pinch over his eyes, cursing his weakness for creeping up on him at a moment like this._

_"What? Am I doing something wrong?" Alec asks, and Magnus feels even worse for it._

_"No such thing," he says, so angry at himself._

_"Well… what, do you not want to?" Alec asks, sounding even more uncertain._

_"No. I mean, yes. Of course I do."_

_Magnus pleads with his eyes to glamor, to hide this part of himself that he is so frightened for Alec to see. This is such an important moment between them, and Alec deserves as perfect a moment as he can give him. So why can't he even get to have this, and give Alec this in peace?_

_"Magnus," Alec says, his hand warm and reassuring on his shoulder. "What is it?"_

_He should be honest with him, Magnus realizes, be open, and honest, reveal this part of himself Alec might not want to see. It isn't fair to mislead him like this if his warlock mark is something Alec will be afraid of, will not want anything to do with—will not want him because of it. Magnus tries to find the courage to turn back around, already telling himself he's prepared for rejection._

_"It's just, sometimes… I lose control."_

_He pauses again, then turns a little further, bracing for anything from loathing to disgust from Alec._

_If anything, Alec looks confused. But then he's letting out a soft burst of laughter, his eyes wide in understanding, as though he can't believe what Magnus is worrying about._

_"Magnus," he says, licking his lips as his eyes dart over Magnus' repeatedly. "They're beautiful. You're beautiful."_

_There should not be a single moment where it's possible to know that he's fallen in love, but looking back at Alec now makes Magnus think he just did. He covers Alec's hand with his own and stares back at him, all the fear whirling in his core draining away. Magnus doesn't know how, or what happened for Alec to come into his life like he has, but being here like this with him now stirs something in him he thought he'd long stopped being capable of feeling..._

The rain seems to hammer louder on the glass of the window bringing Magnus back to the present in his apartment. Or maybe it's the knocking on his door that he's only just realized is for the second time.

"Magnus."

It's the last voice he wants to hear right now with the turmoil the Seelie Queen has stirred in him, yet it's also the one voice that makes Magnus feel calm. But what can he do? He can't see Alec right now, it will be too easy to unravel his resolve, just that one moment of doubt.

Magnus slots the omamori charm deep into his pocket needing the reassurance of it still pressed against him, and walks towards the door forcing disinterest in his stance. He yanks the door open, telling his knees they don't buckle for seeing Alec standing there waiting. Then puts on a mask that almost fails immediately for the panic in Alec's voice.

"I know I have no right to ask for favors, but I need you."

Alec's voice breaking nearly gets him again, and Magnus thinks if he can just put the door between them without speaking a single word, then he can get through this moment and go back to making this awful decision. He can't think straight with Alec there in front of him; it's bad enough that his memories yearn for him just as much as _he_ does, playing themselves on repeat continuously so that Alec is all that he sees, when he has so much else he needs to be thinking of.

"It's Max," Alec adds, shoving against the door so Magnus can't close it.

It's not fair, Magnus protests to himself, it really isn't, that Alec can get to him so easily.

"What happened?" Magnus asks, pleading with his voice to come out level. This is the New York Institute asking for the help of the High Warlock of Brooklyn, and nothing more.

"Jonathan. He's in the Institute."

"Right now?" Magnus says in alarm, because if that's the case then it's the last place he wants to be.

"He's looking for the Mortal Mirror," Alec adds, his eyes flitting over Magnus' face in what he thinks is longing. Magnus decides it must be, because he feels the same back, and yet he can't let himself get distracted like that.

"Does he have it?" Magnus asks, forcing his words to be more stern.

"Not yet."

"Then. I'm sure it's only a matter of time," Magnus retorts, glowering at him. The Clave may as well just hand over the Mortal Instruments to Valentine in person for how effective they are at keeping them from him.

"Magnus—"

"What does this have to do with Max?"

"We think he was trying to track him. Track Jonathan. He… Magnus, it's bad. They don't know… they don't even think… I don't—"

"Let's get to the Institute," Magnus says softly, itching to reach out and comfort Alec for the way his jaw is trembling and his eyes are brightening with tears.

He summons them a portal there in the hallway not wanting to let Alec in to the apartment, keeping himself as far from Alec as it's possible to be as they step through.

* * *

He can't reach him, Magnus realizes, trying to get his magic as deep into Max's wounds as he can but failing to do anything to help. Maybe it's just inevitable, that a Downworlder like _him_ can't be the savior of this young Shadowhunter, and Alec should have known not to try. But the thought of the worry on Alec's face beyond the door of the infirmary room, and looking at young Max so pale and small here in this bed, forces away all the problems currently filling Magnus' thoughts just for a few seconds.

Though the whole Lightwood family waiting outside looking so hopefully at him when he opens the door doesn't do anything but add to those problems.

"His injuries are too severe," Magnus says softly, laced with guilt for not being able to do enough. "Max's only hope for recovery now lies with Brother Enoch."

"But there's gotta be something. Anything," Alec pleads, so very near to being Magnus' undoing.

"Brother Enoch."

The sharp tone of Maryse is what stops Magnus forgetting he and Alec are not alone here in this hallway, the entire group seeming to turn on her command. Brother Enoch moves to walk in the infirmary, but Alec's arm is out to stop him immediately.

"No."

"Alec," Maryse says, grabbing Alec's arms and holding him tight. "I know you're scared. We all are. But if Max is going to have any chance, we need to let Brother Enoch do this. Now."

Alec hovers at the door watching Brother Enoch walk in, and even keeps staring after it's closed. And Magnus can't leave him like that; he steps closer to him, gently taking Alec's hand between his own, hoping to offer him some kind of comfort.

Just holding his hand sets off yet another memory for Magnus, and as his mind taunts him with things from their past, he has the sense that in this moment Alec is _his_ anchor, not the other way around...

_Magnus has been awake for a while now, not daring to move for fear of disturbing Alec. Though he had been playing with his fingers until he'd stirred a few minutes back when he thought Alec might be waking up._

_It's so peaceful, and comfortable, and safe, Magnus thinks to himself. If he doesn't breathe too hard or think too much, he can keep this moment forever, just as it is._

_"Good Morning," Alec says groggily after a deep sigh._

_"Morning," Magnus replies with a soft laugh, deciding Alec's morning voice he wouldn't mind waking up to several more mornings. He closes his eyes as Alec strokes his thumb down over his back._

_"Oh, man. What time is it?" Alec says suddenly, sounding more alert._

_They make eye contact, and Magnus' happy moment is gone._

_"I have to get to the Institute," Alec adds, already pulling away from him and rolling over._

_"Oh."_

_Magnus quickly tries to rein in the disappointment he feels, the crushing blow that the idea of Alec leaving so soon deals to his stomach._

_"No. I was just kidding," Alec tells him quickly with a soft burst of laughter._

_Relief hits Magnus just as hard, leaving him rolling his eyes and smiling, and dropping his head on his pillow to catch Alec's teasing smile._

_"Were you really afraid I was gonna go?" Alec asks seeming surprised by the idea._

_Always, Magnus thinks to himself, always fearing Alec will announce he's had enough of this dalliance already, and wants to go back to his normal life._

_"No," he says instead, because he can't show that weakness. Though Alec has already seen parts of him he's never let his guard down enough to share with anyone else, so perhaps that's pointless._

_"Then what are you afraid of?" Alec asks, curiosity in lift of his voice._

_The words get stuck in Magnus' throat, and he has to find a way out of the vulnerability he's feeling._

_"Acid wash jeans," he blurts out as the first glib answer he can give him._

_"Oh, c'mon, Magnus," Alec chides, smiling before he's turning over on to his back._   _"I'm serious. You're an all-powerful warlock. You can summon demons. You've lived through centuries of war. And you're immortal," he adds, frowning a little for it. "What scares you?"_

_Only Alec can continue to cut right to the point of things like this with him, make Magnus want to bear every part of himself and be exposed. Though he thinks carefully before he speaks anyway, hoping not to reveal too much. It's far too soon for that, no matter how much he already feels._

_"The key to having no fear is... having nothing to lose."_

_Alec smiles at that, with a look that says he'll accept it even if he doesn't think it's the whole truth. Magnus rolls away on to his back and tries to find better words, but can't._

_"I don't know," he says, and he's being as honest as he can be, because what he fears more than anything is hard to get out beyond what he already has. "I guess that's why I haven't opened my heart up for almost 100 years. Then I met you."_

_That peaceful contentment descends on them again, and after a moment Alec drops his hand on Magnus' stomach palm up for him to hold. Magnus laces his fingers through and holds on tight, hoping he never has to lose Alec..._

It's Alec tapping his arm and pulling his hand from his grip that brings Magnus back to the present this time. He watches Alec go to sit with his family, which in the circumstances is understandable. Yet Magnus is struck hard with the sense of being separated from Alec, of never being accepted as part of his family. Of being in his rightful place away from Alec and alone.

Perhaps that's for the best, Magnus thinks, even though he's hurting, and even though he thinks he's brought that hurt on himself for ever allowing his heart to open again. It makes his decision easier in a way, gives Magnus something to focus on. A reason, or excuse, for why he has to pull back now, and take this time to focus only on the future of his people.

* * *

They've gravitated towards one another as they always do. Alec had only sat for a few minutes before coming to lean on the wall opposite him, like he couldn't keep away. Even if he hasn't done anything but stare back at him since. Magnus takes in his posture, the look on his face that says he wants to say so many things to him, and wishes they had time to talk.

But they don't, Magnus tells himself over and over, now is not the time for matters of the heart. The moment he knows either way what is happening with Max he needs to get as far away from Alec as he can. He can't _think_ about what he needs to do when he's standing here before him with Alec looking so vulnerable and in need of a hug. And Magnus wants to give him that hug, to wrap Alec up in his arms, portal them away far from here and all that is happening, even if he's still far angrier with him than he's ever been. But he can't.

Jace comes charging around the corner breaking their staring, and Magnus doesn't know whether to curse or thank him for the interruption.

"Where is he? What happened?" Jace demands.

Alec unfolds his arms taking a quick glance at Magnus, who is already bracing for even more bad news.

"What are you talking about?" Alec asks.

Jace looks between the two of them in confusion. "Max. I… I got your text."

Alec looks at Magnus again, and Magnus pushes away from the wall to prepare himself. "What text?"

"Jonathan," Jace seethes, looking incensed. "Sound the alarm."

" _Son of a bitch_ ," Alec bites out, before he charges after Jace.

Magnus does the only thing he can do in this situation. Charge into the infirmary with Alec's father hoping to shield Max from whatever storm is coming. Robert has nothing to say to him, of course, but it doesn't matter, for the news that Max survived the procedure is all Magnus needs to hear. He still looks far paler than Magnus is happier seeing, but at least now, when he needs to turn away from the Lightwoods for what is to come, he can do so knowing that he's going to be fine.

He should go, Magnus tells himself, trying to make his feet carrying him. He should go, before Alec returns. But then Maryse and Izzy are rushing in to Max's bedside, and Magnus allows himself a moment to be a part of their relief.

"How'd it go?" Alec says a few minutes later as he charges into the room. "Is he okay?"

Magnus pulls back from the bed reminding himself it isn't his place to be here, especially now he's made the decision that he has.

"He's okay, Alec," Izzy says softly.

Magnus stands back and watches Alec, watches them all crowd closer around the bed, and winces at Max's grunt of pain before he opens his eyes.

"Did you catch Sebastian?" Max asks Alec, and Magnus allows himself a single smile.

Spoken like a true Shadowhunter, Max, he thinks to himself, smiling again for Maryse's relieved laughter.

"You almost died," she says, "and that's what you're concerned about?"

He shouldn't be here, Magnus repeats to himself, he is not welcome at this family reunion. And he has far more important things to do than stand here feeling excluded when it's him that is walking away.

"I should go," he says, cursing himself for not just walking out without drawing attention to himself. Alec turns to look at him, and Magnus has to get out of here. "Max, you take care of yourself."

Magnus allows himself one final glance around all the Lightwoods now staring back at him, then turns away. But he doesn't get far, because his heart is still in that infirmary room. And even though he knows what he has to do, even though he knows it's for the best, Magnus can't seem to make himself move any further. Because he doesn't want to say goodbye.

He takes out the rosebud that is now almost completely black, still unable to find another solution than the one the Seelie Queen is offering him. But then Alec is stepping out of the infirmary, and Magnus doesn't want to face him, wants to slip away and have nothing that will make him turn back. He slips the rosebud back into his pocket and turns away, still lingering even as he screams at himself to leave. Tries to remind himself of the reason he needs to go.

"Magnus," he hears, and knows there is no easy way of getting out of this. He comes to a stop, feels the heat of Alec's palm against his back, and watches as he comes to stand in front of him, unconsciously smiling and quickly reining it in when he realizes he's doing it. "Thank you, so much for being here."

"I'm glad Max is okay," Magnus replies, telling himself to focus on the only reason he is here in the Institute anyway. If he tells himself repeatedly that he came here only for Max, that he wouldn't move heaven and hell to get Alec something he wanted, then he can kid himself for at least a few seconds at a time that Alec isn't the sole reason he is really here.

Alec offers his own soft smile that again stops Magnus from leaving, but he has to fight through it. Magnus allows himself a few seconds of staring back at him before turning away.

"I'm sorry," Alec blurts out to his back, freezing Magnus where he's stood. He's already starting to turn as he adds, "I should've told you about the Soul Sword."

Magnus can't help but look at him, can't help but hear his apology. Can't help but know it's too late. He tries to concentrate on the anger he feels for Alec deceiving him like he did, use it to channel his focus on what he needs to do.

"I made a mistake," Alec says, and the pleading in his voice calls Magnus to come closer. "But you and me," he adds softly, taking Magnus' hand, "we always seem to find our way back to each other."

Magnus is sure he has never wanted anything as much as he does the man before him, is certain he's never loved anyone quite like this before. But he can't have it, at least, he can't now, not when their world has gone to hell and the very survival of his people is at stake.

"Magnus, I love you," Alec adds, and Magnus wants to cry for it, but can't. Does Alec think he's stopped loving him after just this moment apart? That the thing that is now parting them could stop that love that they share?

Magnus smiles as he reaches out to cup Alec's face, indulging in the feel of him here beneath his skin. He has to make himself believe that it won't be any time soon he gets to do that again, if ever. Otherwise, he'll never have the strength to leave.

"I love you, too," he says, keeping his voice low in a poor attempt to disguise how hard it is saying goodbye. But he has to. Magnus allows himself one last look, one final burst of soft laughter for what they were to one another, and sighs.

"But as a leader," he adds, forcing himself to slide his hand away, "there are difficult decisions I have to make to ensure the survival of my people. And the only thing holding me back from doing that, is you."

"No, no..." Alec says, not accepting his words at all.

"I can't have both," Magnus adds, because he can't, there is no way he can save the Downworld and have this beautiful love in his life. Not when there are so many conflicts of interest that keep coming up between them for the opposite sides they are on.

"Yes, you can. _We_ can. We… Magnus, we can figure this out," Alec says as he crowds closer to him. That his voice is breaking stirs something in Magnus, forces him to be more stern than he feels to get his point across.

"You once asked me what I was afraid of," Magnus says, demanding to himself that he look at Alec. "It's _this_."

 _This_ , being letting himself love something he's afraid of losing. Of _having_ something he's afraid to lose. And now he _has_ lost Alec; there is no way he can have Alec and do what he has to do for the Downworld. Not like this. It's impossible to have both things in his life at the same time.

Magnus sighs, and has to turn immediately before he loses his resolve altogether. He can't look back, he mustn't, not even when he hears Alec suck in a breath that says how close he is to crying. Magnus stares back at him as the elevator doors close, and rebuilds a shield around his heart.

* * *


End file.
